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I FINALLY GAINED SOME WEIGHT!
See?
The Hate.
Seriously though, I weighed myself this morning for the first time in a week - and like MAGIC I had actually GAINED WEIGHT. For the record, it's the kind of magic that makes you eat like a sumo wrestler and gain weight against the medical craziness that ensues, not the kind of magic that makes these things happen:
Either way: GOOD STUFF, PEOPLES.
Not that a trip on Falkor The LuckDragon wouldn't be fantastic, but I'm kinda totally thrilled that I no longer weigh something that begins with the number '8'.
Commence the hate.
Or.... don't....
You see, although many of you are purging your lunch right now in utter disgust with my insanely low number, I consider each of you blessed.
Some of you ARE your ideal body weight, and that extra
Of course, we have the people in the middle too, who eat as they should and on occasion go ape crap on the Thanksgiving buffet and then exercise like good little peoples.
Kudos.
But what a lot of you don't have to think about is this - the stigma attached to being "fat" or "overweight" or "whale-like" is as intense but completely opposite to those of us who are overly thin.
I have a MEDICAL ISSUE right now, yet I get stares and looks from anyone who doesn't know what is going on. I go out of my way to cover up the thinner parts, but come on! It's summer! Sometimes, when it is/was 98 degrees outside, I have to wear shorts and a tank top. SORRY!
And it's those times that I get those looks and I know what the person is thinking "geez! she's anorexic! let's feed her!"
I absolutely, positively, DESPISE those comments and thoughts, but I also understand why they are even there. It APPEARS that I am not taking care of myself. That I'm not eating.
But the honest truth couldn't be farther from that thought - I am TRULY an obese person trapped in this overly thin shell. I love food! I cook a lot and think one of the most enjoyable things to do is find a new restaurant or food or recipe and try it.
The stigma associated with being thin gets me, but seeing myself at an unhealthy weight does something mentally that is difficult for other people to understand. I can explain it in only one way, a story:
The last time I got this thin, I was at Michael's brother's wedding in Chicago. At the time, I weighed 84 lbs. and didn't know why I was loosing so much weight. I kept eating and KEPT eating MORE, but the weight was falling off.
I had a dress for the wedding that fit a month prior, but when I went to try it on in the hotel bathroom an hour before the ceremony, I realized it no longer fit.
It hit me hard, for some reason - and I took the dress off without unzipping it and sat on the cold tile floor of the bathroom and started crying.
I had my knees bent and to my chest, and my arms folded with my head in them. My tears made a puddle on the floor, and it's then that I opened my eyes to realize that my entire body - all 84 pounds of it - fit on one small 12X12 tile in this bathroom with room to spare.
I told myself "In this great big world, at this moment, your entire body - your entire self - fits on a 12-inch by 12-inch tile. You practically don't exist."
Those are harsh words to think. They are harsh words to type. It still hurts to think that I was telling myself those things, but that's the gravity of the situation.
I didn't have an eating disorder, I don't have an eating disorder, but I look like I do.
I have to deal with the stigma associated with a disorder that I don't have.
And as hard as that is, I am a different person today dealing with this problem than the girl sitting on the 12-inch tile square of a bathroom floor in Chicago 3 years ago.
That doesn't mean I don't still despise every judging glance. It doesn't mean I don't sigh every time my size zero shorts fall off because I've worn them more than once. It doesn't mean that I don't get on the scale and pray for a higher number.
What it does mean is that I've learned to deal with it. That I want to be healthy... and by George...I'm getting somewhere!
Here's to 4 more pounds! And then some!
